my life as an army wife

My feelings have deeply changed for the men and women who serve our country. I met my husband, Chris, in high school (at the time boyfriend), and we dated and got pregnant with our first child. Broke up shortly after we found out because we wanted... different things in life. A long 3.5 years later... and here I am married to my one love, when I always vowed never to marry a service member because I was not willing to put up with the bull that you deal with as a military spouse or member. 

We have been married 15 months on Saturday. And boy what a ride it has been so far. Goods times, bad times... And yet here I am. Alive.. Healthy.. And happy. Out of those 15 months, we have physically been together 7 months. Not easy, not fun. Exactly what I dreaded before I decided to start my journey as an Army Wife. I never imagined the pride I would feel being married to a soldier. My husband has overcome so many obstacles in his 3 years with the military. It has changed his life for the better, even though it is difficult at times. I will be forever grateful for that. Our first 7 months were full of learning how to be married, and living like the family we were. Chris never living with kids before, and me learning to live the military life. and then DEPLOYMENT hit.

Ohhh yes the D word. Every military spouses nightmare...

Chris deployed Oct 2012. And honestly, I wasn't sweating it. I was a single mother for almost 3 years with 2 children. I knew how to handle a family on my own. I could sleep alone at night, that was old news. 

YIKES.

I did not realize how badly I really need my husband for comfort and love. Once you've got that, you don't ever want to let it go. Everyone says "well at least you've got your kids and family!"... Yeah they are awesome and fun and all... but they're not HIM. They can't wrap their arms around me at night making me feel safe. The kids certainly keep me busy, and I know they love me. But its not the same love a husband provides. 

It takes a strong woman, mentally and emotionally, to be away from her husband for months, sometimes years, at a time. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better about your husband being in a war zone. People who have never actually dealt with the military, whether serving themselves or a family member serving, HAVE NO IDEA. 

Staring at the wall at night because you can't find comfort in a pillow. Those heart stopping moments whenever your doorbell rings or you get a knock at the door. Feeling like a high school girl with a crush for those 5 minutes you do get to talk to your soldier, and making the absolute most of it. We are the best support for our husbands/wives. So many soldiers get through deployment knowing their spouse is behind them 100%, and that we are taking care of the "troops" at home. 

I have found love I never would have realized I had for Chris, if he wasn't deployed. YES yes yes it SUCKS!!! But you need to find the positivity in situations like deployment. There are different bonds to be built when you are apart for long times. You learn things you never knew about your other half. Our relationship is the strongest it has ever been. We've got a little less than 4 months to go, but we are kicking this deployments ass and comin out on TOP!

noone REALLY knows.... they all just say they do.
they dont care. they just act like it.

i feel like this is my only option to sort out everything. sad? yes, very.
i thought it would be easier down here, but its actually pretty damn frusterating. i wish men had a different thought process. i feel like that would make my life easier.

down here, noone knows me, so they have NO idea of the trials i have been through. they're so quick to judge! one thing i miss about fairbanks is that i had friends, who knew, and were there for me. Few, but the best. always had great ears and great advice. i miss them a lot.

people say to read books, have patience, go to counseling... i just want someone to listen? good lord, is that too much to ask? anyone out there? anyone at all?

...

Stress

Beyond exhausted.

Gripping onto every thing i have,

afraid of losing them.

Just barely able to survive.

Want to just cry with every little negative thing that comes at me.

Sometimes i think im actually going insane.

Dont know how to deal with it all.

The one thing i cant stand to think of losing,

is the one thing i push away.

Words cannot describe what im going through.

People say "Thats motherhood!"

i say no. mothers should not have to deal

with what im going through,

or think what i think.

At a loss for what to do and how to deal.....

New years tears

I feel like I don't know you anymore. You're turning out just like the rest of them: an ASSHOLE.
Funny thing is you tried so hard to prove to me that you were different...
guess we were both wrong huh?
I gave you everything. My whole heart. I loved you dearly.
You say you do but I don't get that from the way you've been treating me...
I just wish you could see how much you are hurting me. It's tearing me apart inside.
Terrible things go through my head. Some I find myself considering, and some even doing.
Make it easy and leave me be. Or come back to reality and love me again.

chaos

blah.

wake up late. take care of screaming son. MAKE bf get out of bed. try to shower, groom 2 ppl, & eat in 15 minutes. IMPOSSIBLE.

practically throw son at his daycare teachers. speeding through lights. still 7 minutes late to work.

rude customers. little tips. no boss to help with problems. get off early.

bf meets me. run some errands and enjoy each others company. pick up baby. head home and spend our night playin and relaxing.

my typical day.

great, isnt it ;)